Blue jay on the branch outside my window loud and brash like a busker singing to anyone who listens As I write for no one and everyone
Sitting
You sleep peacefully
I sit
You have been here a long time
I have barely just arrived
You may be startled by my presence
I will be quiet
Together we watch the clock
Our paths staggered
The clock takes its time
To stop for us
Embracing the end
I know I should feel some sort of embarrassment with the number of selfies we take on my phone. Instead I love seeing Antonio and I together spanning the two years we have shared. I can see how we have changed and how we stay the same. We even have one from our first date in Newburyport, MA on Elbow Lane. I drank iced chai and he had a raspberry lime ricky. 
Could we see in that moment what would come? Isn’t that true of every moment? We are there on the precipice of possibility of the the blank page before us. The illusion of knowing what will happen in the next moment can leave you distressed, anxious, or joyful. The truth is the moment when fully experienced brings peace and openness to whatever comes. I try to rest in the moment. It is so full with everything I need, an intense and hopeful place to be. I am blessed with moments like these; words coming from me to my phone then onto the blog.
The large old oak looked down.
Who rustles through my underbrush?
Chipmunks scurrying across the path.
I see your limbs reaching,
twisted and pained with beauty.
We commune in that moment.
Age adds to your presence.
Don’t look away.
Embrace your wrinkles and scars.
I listened to the wise old oak.
Dogs and joggers trot to little yelps of joy.
Tiny boy’s headband of American Stars and Stripes
Over a round face full of fresh food truck delights.
Skateboard t-shirt reveals future dreams.
I pass and say “hey dude”, acknowledging days to come.
Dusk sneaks in while no one notices,
Islands turn blackish in the looming shadows,
Flashes of light brush the sailboats golden.
Words lap against the bow longing to be taken for magic.
Time brings an end to the dream,
leaving behind early fall to stroll toward its glory days.
Color emerges in a moment of distraction from the show.
These are the days I long for all summer.
So much has happened in the last 5 years. I helped take care of my mother until her death in May 2018. In the late fall that year I went to work for SMHC as an Executive Assistant. After a year I received a promotion to Coordinator of Community Relations & Business Development. Basically I divide my time between working with Development (fundraising), Physician Liaison, Communications support and exec admin support for the VP of Strategic Development and the VP of Retail, Business Development. I also get to work with the Spiritual Care program, so my work life is rich and varied. I love it. I never thought about working in a hospital until after mom died. I decided I wanted to work where I felt I was giving back and helping others. This work achieves what I set my intention to in 2013, to bring my work life in alignment with my spiritual life.
It has been a challenging journey returning to the working world after not working, other than caring for my mom, for 5 years. When COVID hit in March of 2020, I was pulled from my regular job and sent to work in the labor pool with other people pulled from other areas of the hospital. I worked on excel spreadsheets for up to 12 hours a day. It was challenging and exciting to be learning and contributing to keeping the hospital running. Everyone did whatever was necessary. It was also scary not knowing what was going to happen next. I eventually got back to my regular job with the addition of working on the logistics team tracking supplies to make sure we had the PPE and other things needed for the frontline care team. I felt truly privileged to be able to work during this time when so many were furloughed. Every day was a new challenge. Then in June my father found out he had colon cancer and died by mid July. That really was the hardest part of the last few years.
Crickets sound their last days of summer song
Winds turn to blow in through open windows
Full moon lights the way for crisp walks
Autumn serenades lovers moving closer together
Time slows with each breath in and out
I started my day off over coffee with Justine. We always have good conversation about life and literature. Today we talked about a new bookstore opening in the East End of Portland. Justine asked if I had a favorite book . . . now that is a tough one. I usually say James Joyce’s, Ulysses, then I thought about all the other wonderful authors and books: Abraham Verghese, Ann Patchett, Jeanette Winterson, Michael Ondaatje, Roberto Bolano, Haruki Murakami, Tana French, and the list goes on. What are your favorite authors I wonder?
A delicious dinner
Sundays are a perfect day for an impromptu visit with friends. After coffee, I texted MF and asked if I could join her and Henry to watch the Patriots football game. At the time I didn’t have any idea the Patriots were playing or what time the game started, but I did know I wanted to hang out with my friends.
I am blessed with friends that don’t mind adding an extra plate to their table and friend to their gathering.
I showed up right on time for kickoff! Obviously, I am not a huge football fan; I learned everything I know from my son, Cooper. Sitting down with good friends
who take you as you come is restorative for the soul, so is watching their kitties totally relaxing!! After dinner and the end of a win for the Patriots, I headed for home with a full belly and brimming heart.
Madona and Clyde relaxing
Coffee is a phenomenon in the world today. It keeps us going and after a number of studies is shown to be good for us. Most recently I saw a study that women over 65 lower their risk of developing dementia by 36%. You do have to drink about 4 cups a coffee a day!
What happens if you can’t drink high-test coffee? I have been relegated to decaf due to sleep issues and nervous system sensitivities. What are the benefits to me of going to the coffee shop as often as I can for my decaf coffee or latte?
Coffee By Design Decaf Latte
Over the course of my recent depressive episode, I have spent many days in my house unable to go anywhere. The world was all just too much for me to bear. When I started to feel better on a new medication, I could walk to my local coffee shop, Coffee By Design on Diamond Street. It was just far enough to feel I was moving my body, but not so far that I was too exhausted. They have 4 comfy chairs in the back corner, which are perfect to sit and be quiet reading or needle pointing. It was there in those comfy chairs that I began meeting the regulars who frequent Diamond Street. They always seemed happy to see me and asked how I was doing. This kindness of strangers helped me more than they know.
Things have changed a bit now in my recovery. I am doing more than I ever thought I would be able to do again. I balance my living in Wells with Mom & Dad, with having coffee with my friends in Portland! Coffee has become the tether I hang onto keeping me connected to people I love. This is not a scientific study; this is a study of the heart. Decaf is good for my soul and mental state. It is easy and the right amount of time to nourish me, without exhausting me. I really don’t care about extending my life, but I do care greatly about improving the quality of my life now.
Coffee with friends makes my day; give me a call!
I hope writing is like riding a bike. It has two years since my last post was written. Those two years have been lived between the darkness and the shadows. The short version is in 2013 I got off my medication for major depression and anxiety. That decision led to an episode of one of the worst periods of anxiety and depression I have experienced. It left me mostly nonfunctioning with persistent suicidal thoughts. It is hard to write those words, but I want to break down the stigma of mental health and speak my truth.
I started the long slow route back to stability in the fall of 2014. I had periods of feeling better, but the meds would stop working and I would slide back into the dark. Since the fall of 2015, I started working with a fantastic psychiatrist who is helping to manage my medications more successfully. I have no hesitation in being on medication; without it life becomes unbearable. I am doing very well with my daily life of caring for my mom, who has her own health issues, and balancing living with parents at the age of 54, creating collage and needlepoint. I hope to write about all these topics and a little travel when life allows it.
I don’t travel the world at the present time, but I do experience life as much as possible. Recently I drove to Tenderness Gathering Place, in Lunenburg, Massachusetts,
Tenderness Gathering Place
to visit with friends and have a little break. The atmosphere is one of being close to nature and away from the world of daily life. Daron and Rayellen are creating a community of love and art with shared space and dreams.
Saturday was truly stunning with warm sun and blue skies. After an afternoon country crafts fair on the Townsend green, we sat around a magical fire and watched the full moon rise above the woods overlooking the pond. Sunday brought a lovely group of Unitarian Universalists from Fitchburg for their board meeting. Some of the attendees had been friends with the previous owner, William Lane (well-known art collector and philanthropist) or knew people who helped build the original house.
Fall at Tenderness
Stories were flying!
I took these photos on a previous visit last fall. This year I just relaxed and experienced without any documentation. It was kind of nice to just be there.
It is my intention to contribute my experience as an art curator/dealer to help Tenderness Gathering Place become a Central Massachusetts art destination for artists, collectors, and appreciators.